What happened?

In January I turned 30 years old. And one day later my sub-conscious decided that was old enough.

The day the world stood still.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On January 15th I tried to end my life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well, I didn’t.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well it’s confusing… so get this…I did try to kill myself…but I have no recollection of it…I don’t remember doing it…I don’t remember being sad or depressed or unhappy …so technically I didn’t do it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So I know, the doctors and the nurses and the psychiatrists and everyone says that I tried to kill myself. But get this…I didn’t. I didn’t do it. It wasn’t me. I didn’t do it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well…my subconscious that slutty little shit bag did it to me! That’s right.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No! Well, yes…but no…yes….It was an act of accidental randomness. I accidentally did it on purpose. There is no denying that. The truth is I don’t know why. And I cannot recall much of the prep work. I don’t remember taking the pills, or choosing which ones to take. I don’t remember popping each tablet. I don’t remember what they felt like dragging down my throat. I don’t know if they felt chalky or smooth. I only remember, saying I am going to bed. I remember it being a normal bedtime. So maybe 11 o’clock? I took all the medication and then must have drifted off to sleep. I took approximately 65 pills. I don’t know if I used water to wash them down or cold tea. I don’t remember. I recall googling Bon Iver For Emma Forever on my phone. The first time I heard Bon Iver I said as a joke that I wanted to die to this music (but I meant more like in an old peoples home surrounded by my children and grandchildren)

 

 

I was found the next morning, perhaps at 8 o’clock. I remember hearing someone say “an ambulance will take too long”

The next thing I remember is laying on a gurney and announcing to the nurse that I could definitely walk to the toilet. And the nurse being very firm in her opinion that I couldn’t. But this also didn’t happen because I didn’t speak until two days later. I remember seeing a piss bag on the floor (that did in fact happen. Those sneaky bastards stuck a catheter up my vajaja)  Didn’t even ask my permission those motherfuckers. For the next five days it felt like I was pissing glass.

The scary part is that I really don’t know why I did that. I made a mistake. I don’t know why. I can only say quite truthfully that I did not plan it. That it was out of character. I’m a perfectionist. And a writer. There is no way I would have departed this dear planet without a beautifully scripted goodbye letter. I would have made sure I was wearing matching pyjamas at least. I would have meticulously researched each tablet and worked out the side effects and optimal over dosage. So yeah, this was very out of character.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I want to throw up…its all acidic in my stomach. What on earth has happened? What? What? Did I fall down a rabbit hole? Is this the ministry of magic? What the hell happened??

 

What the fuck does that even mean. Help from who? I’m old enough to know that I’m in this alone and only I can fix my shit. So it was not a cry for help. I absolutely despise attention and sympathy so I can’t say I did it for those reasons either.

All I know is that the last few months were very hard. And I was very tired. I didn’t know what the future held. I didn’t know the road anymore. I didn’t know which way to go. I was lost. I just felt so lost. So scared. So scared of everything. I wasn’t even depressed. I was totally normal. I had a completely wonderful 30th birthday party the day before. I was happy. Surrounded by friends, drinking champagne and jumping in the pool for a midnight skinny dip.

My Birthday

Day after My Birthday

 

 

 

 

I have no idea. I don’t know why. And I don’t know why I made it. Well I know why, because they pumped me full of IV drips and flushed everything out of my body. By the way, interesting little fact for you, they don’t pump stomachs anymore. Only time you would get remotely close to a pumping scenario is if you had literally taken the overdose like 20 mins previously. In which case they would force-feed you black, chalky charcoal water until you gagged and threw up your lungs. Ah the joys of near death!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No! So, what happened is that…life happens, things happen and sometimes they are so awful and painful and tragic that my brain thinks…hey I know how best to deal with this…let’s just pretend this isn’t happening and just keep saying over and over and over that we’re fine, we’re fine. That’s what I did.

Things happened. Engagements were broken off. Hearts were broken (mine). Weddings were cancelled. Guests were informed. Families were upset. Wedding dresses were cancelled. Deposits were partially refunded. In short, lives were ruined.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I guess the weeks leading up to it I wasn’t entirely normal. I don’t know what I was. I guess maybe I was in shock. I have no idea. Normally I’m quite in tune with my emotions but I couldn’t access any at that point. I just stood. I stood there and didn’t move. The smallest of breeze could have knocked me off my feet. I felt nothing.

 

 

Now? Now I don’t know what to do. I quite frankly don’t know how to adjust to life. Everything seems trivial and pointless. It feels like I’ve met everyone there is to meet in the world. I’ve eaten every food ever made, heard every song, seen every movie…It feels like life is now finished. I know how that sounds. I know how it looks. I look spoilt. Ungrateful and selfish. Trust me, I feel it. I feel the shame. But it’s the truth…and that’s all I have to offer.

I don’t know how to sugar coat this stuff. I didn’t want to die then…but I’ve played with the thought and acclimatized to it…and I’m in treatment and I’m on medication and I’m aware and alert of being in this state of mind. I am aware. It doesn’t make it any less of a struggle. I think about it all the time. And I fight against it. I say, not today…maybe tomorrow and I keep doing that…just get to Sunday…just get to Sunday…and on Sunday I say…just get to Monday…baby steps, you know?

I look at people out in the world…they’re doing jobs and living and buying food in the supermarket and I’m like how the fuck are they doing that! I’m in awe! I’m like you jammy motherfuckers! How’d you learn how to do that!

Fuck me…I’m scared of EVERYTHING. Of everything and nothing. I’m scared of the world. I’m scared of disappointing everyone. I’m scared of the shame. I’m scared of being broke. Of having no identity. I’m scared of wasting my life. I’m scared I’ll never have children. I’m scared I will blink and my youth will be over…I’m scared I will never make it. I’m scared of the shame. Of disappointing everyone. I’m scared of being told off. I’m scared of being a disappointment. I’m scared I will never make it. I’m scared I will never be free. I’m afraid of being afraid. I’m small. I’m so small and the world is so big and I don’t know how to live. That’s it really. I don’t know how to live. How are you people doing this? Why can I not just deal with it? Why does this stuff affect me more than other people? I don’t know how to be. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

It’s like I’m a toddler and they’ve just given me the keys to this massive tank and they’re like Ok drive this…I wanna be like erm excuse me but I’m only 9 months old and… like…I have no motor skills.

And the world is just like: “DRIVE!!”

 

And I’m like: “I’m a BABY!!! I don’t know how to drive! I don’t even know where we’re going!! Where am I going? Where is my mum?”

 

“No time for mummy now! Get hustling!”

 

And all around me I’m surrounded by fucking tank-driving babies and they’re all really good at it. They’re all like: “Wooohooo another promotion…wooohooo we bought a house!”

 

I’m like…”How are you doing this? How did you learn how to do that?”

 

Where are all the other struggling babies? I can’t be the only one…why is it that when life gets hard I crumble like this. I literally deflate…I turn into mush…I can’t open my eyes…I physically can’t move…I sleep for days…I don’t eat…I barely exist. My body takes on the consistency of bird shit. It’s all watery and slimy and acidic…and I have to scrape myself off the floor. My whole being rejects being alive. My arms look weird…they’re attached to me but they’re not a part of me. I pick and cut them to see if they’re definitely mine…and they bleed so I guess they are. I become another being. My voice isn’t my own. I look down at my arms and think “I never wanted you!” I never wanted any of this!

 

I wanted to be a squirrel. I wanted to live in the woods. And the real trauma…the real misery of life is that I’m not. I’m me. I’m me. I’m human and I didn’t choose any of this. And I’m ungrateful and people have real hard lives and I’m so fucking lucky to be alive. So there. That’s it. Onwards and upwards from here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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18 thoughts on “What happened?

  1. Ok but there’s one thing though : the other people? Who look like they’re in control ? They’re pretending. It’s an act. The truth is nobody’s in control. We’re all just a bunch of illusionists. Please don’t feel like an outcast because you’re not. The only thing that makes you different is that you are a lot more honest than most people because you’re not in denial.
    You are in pain. And, like most of us in this situation, you are focused on your own pain. But the truth is a lot of people are in pain, the same pain as yours. You are not a freak. You are like everybody else, or at least like a BIG bunch of us. So don’t think you are an outcast or a failure.
    That gremlin in you head that wants to
    destroy you ? I’d give him/her a name (ie : Albert) and whenever he/she start speaking, insult him/her, shut him/her off mercilessly, tell him/her that he/she is not you. Because he/she is not. Really. He/she is an invention, an illusion you need to get rid of by using the same ways as he/she uses with you. Fuck you Albert. No amount of pills or money used on endless sessions with a shrink will help unless you do that on a permanent basis. Things can and will get better.
    Can you use your experience to help other people? People who are in the same pain as you or in more pain than you? What do you have that they don’t have (ie: you can draw, tell tragic stories with a great sense of humour like nobody else)? Because turning towards others is the only thing that won’t feel pointless. Your creativity is a gift to you and to the world. How can you use it in a concrete way to lend a hand to others?
    Because that’s what you’ve been doing to me for the past years with your blog.
    So, good luck.
    Life, uninterrupted.

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  2. Dear Sina,
    thank you so much for being honest and brave to share your story. I think you are beautiful and brave in your vulnerability.
    We all at times feel lost and without a direction and a path to walk. (Un)fortunately we aren’t born with a manual how to live life and it becomes messy and foggy sometimes. Especially when seeing what others do, and trying to fit somewhere there or be as good as they are in driving that tank.
    I hope you find your path and yourself again. Sending you much love!

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  3. I’ve been following your blog after reading how similar we are. We almost have same thoughts and anxieties about life. Looking at other people, I also ask how they “get” the whole adulting thing. You know what’s funny though,..I think the exact same thing about you. How did she manage to get a good job? How does she manage a relationship long enough to get engaged? How did she manage to get a mortgage? You say you can’t handle this whole adult thing, but for you to get this far, I’d say you’re doing a damn fine job at it. I’m actually really jealous that even though we Have the same issues, you seem to be doing a far better job at life while I can’t even finish school

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    1. Thank you so much 🙂 and sorry for the late reply. I have no idea how I managed any of those things either haha. I just made it up as I went along. I’m jealous that you’re in school and you have your whole life ahead of you. What grade are you in by the way? Sending you lots of hugs xxx

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  4. You have definitely not met everyone. I’m so glad you survived, and this is the first time I’ve ever read your blog or heard anything about you. Why have I found you now? Because I Googled “why do I hate responsibility” and it brought me to you. You are NOT alone. The Googles has connected you to many who need you. Your worth is far greater than you can imagine. Depression sucks. SUCKS. But it isn’t who you are. You overcome it everyday and that is a win. You are winning. You are a winner! Certainly, you are a beautiful soul – don’t let anyone or anything (even yourself or that voice inside you that’s makes you feel batty) take that from you. Thank you for your transparency.

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    1. Wow! I’m so touched by your kind words. I absolutely suck at receiving praise which I’m working on so I’ll just humbly stand here and put my hands together and say thank you so much you kind person. Wish I could give you a hug 🙂 Google has brought so many amazing people into my life and so happy it brought us together too 🙂

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  5. I’m sorry this happened to you. I’m glad you’ve come out on the other side. I wish I could take some of your pain off of your shoulders. I wish I could make your life better. But I can’t. All I can do is say that I understand what you face and respect your ability to keep going.

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    1. Paul!!! Love seeing your name pop up. Feels like you’ve been there with me since the beginning. I’m here and I’m actually so thankful for the experience. What happened in January was awful and weird and like falling through a rabbit hole. But it shaped me and moulded me and now I get to be an even better person 🙂 Will write an update post soon. Thanks for sticking with me my friend 🙂

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  6. I Googled “I don’t want to be an adult,” and here I am, and here you are. I’m 23 and just “celebrated” my one-year anniversary of Deciding to Die but Having an Intervention before I Did Anything. Part of me wishes I would have done something. Most of me doesn’t want to be me, or an adult, or a human at all. I like that you wanted to be a squirrel. I wager I would make a great whale. I have dreams about it, sometimes.

    My name is Dani, and we’ve never met, and I’m here in the shit with you. I am so sorry you’re having these thoughts and feelings and this agony, but you are not alone. Thank you for writing your blog and for this post in particular. I’m glad I found you.

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    1. A whale! I think a whale is probably the second animal I’d like to be. I’m not good with water so I wanted to be a land animal. But I always imagine that being a whale must be so incredible. When you get sick of life you can just dive and dive into the dark stillness below. And when you’re pissed with someone you can calmly swallow them and toot your blowhole at them. And whales just have such a quiet confidence about them. Like you wouldn’t mess with one even though they’re not really aggressive animals. You just kinda respect them, you know?

      Anyways, Dani..my name is Sina and we’ve never met and I’m here with you too. I’m thinking of you and sending you grace and love all the way from Spain. Keep in touch ok?

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  7. I googled I hate responsibility & I found you. I turned 30 in Feb & I always said I am offing myself at this age. I first attempted killing myself at 14 yrs my dad found me,we kept it a secret between him & mom. They both gone now.I’ve been fantasizing about death since then. 2016 came down on me,my mom died,I quit my job & I quit my 4 year relationship I told him to sharve it he had the audacity to want kids & marriage though I told him I dont want to. I had plenty of savings to live from cause as someone who hates adulting & this life I never buy anything but experience. I started travelling in September 16 last trip was in Jan 17 only because I had exams to write which I have since passed. I AM GOOD AT PRETENDING. I am such a good actor you guys,I fucken hated my job & when they promoted me to Head of department I had to act accordingly & get a qualification that matched my new position,this perfection OCD bullshit. Its almost a year in Aug since my career break thats what I dubbed it for everyone but its a time for me to empty my bank account & I plan to board a plane to somewhere out of South Africa, enjoy the city as a last hope to change my mind if I dont I plan to dispose of any identification & off myself. Families are selfish they want you to hang in there manage the torture that is life frankly IM DONE. I have myself to be accountable to & Im bowing out of this game. I dont wanna play anymore Im exhausted.

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    1. Candy..it’s always hard reading this stuff…I really really really from the bottom of my heart hope that you can find the strength to go on. Don’t let this shit get you down. You’re bigger and stronger than you think. Will be thinking of you xxxx

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  8. I feel your struggle. I personally quit taking anti-deppressants a few years ago… they all just fucked me up. My day to day routine is as follows…
    I take some antacids when I first wake up then 30mins later I’ll take 200mg Aderall (Ritalin) + 40mg Valium+ 40mg amphetamine. Then when I start coming down (usually after around 6 hours) I’ll take another 20mg dexamphetamine with 60mg Cocaine just to take the edge off and then 3 hours later I take 4mg Xanax (Alprazolam Benzodiazepine). 8 hours or so later just before I sleep I’ll usually take 50mg diphenhydramine and 20mg Valium, sometimes a bit of Oxycodone or an opiate like Codeine (Cough medicine)
    This is outright the best method for optimum serotonin – dopamine balance.

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    1. That’s quite an impressive shopping list…How long will you do this for? Is your body happy?
      I’m playing with the idea of going off my meds as well but I’d like to try and take nothing except the odd Xanax every once in a while. Please look after yourself xxxx

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  9. Brava and thank you for posting this Sina – and i m glad that you re still on this planet with us!!

    As i am just discovering you and your lively blog (not into post-mortem discoveries!), i was just reacting to your post (yup, after i googled “no responsability” 🙂 only to read about what “just” happened!!

    Turning 30 was the saddest news of my life, no question about it (most of the elder i asked said the same, we re not alone). But after you pass that gloomy gate, it s much more easier, as in “less expectation” kind of way i d say.

    Anyway, I really hope you are feeling better and that you ll keep in touch. Peace

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  10. Hey Sina,
    Wowsers. This was raw and difficult to read. Brave and honest. I had a lump in my throat reading it. I don’t want to insult you with ‘hang in theres’ and ‘stay strongs’ but there would seriously be a void in the world if your voice went still. Big love xxx

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