Don’t think. Just go!! Quick. 140 characters. Too long. Too short. Not smart enough. I don’t know. Respond. Say something!! Quick. Quick. People want to know what you think!! But I don’t know? Doesn’t matter. Go! Go! Gooooo!!!!!!!!!! 24 hours on social media is like three weeks in the real world. Quick!!! Blue & Black? White & Gold? Respond! Before it’s dead! New topic. New trend. Go, Quick. Go! Go! Don’t think. Just go!! Ok. Blue & Black. No. Too late #FatManDancing.
I feel like I’m not made for this world. I feel like I constantly have to be doing something. Sharing, tweeting, commenting, LOL’ing, replying, updating, tweeting, instagramming, re-tweeting, liking, unfollowing, following, de-friending, accepting, sharing, DM’ing downloading, responding, messaging, deleting, capturing….FUCK!
Why can’t I do nothing? Why do I have to be held accountable for every single minute of every single day?
Why can’t I just be? Surely this can’t be healthy?
It feels like all natural and healthy gaps in our days like waiting in the queue at the supermarket or sitting on the bog, all these blissful breaks in our busy lives are now filled with checking our feeds, counting our likes and playing candy crush. I am bombarded with perfectly polished, perfectly photo-shopped, perfectly douched lives on social media that always look so much fucking better than mine. Every day, hundreds of times a day, I voluntarily force-feed my subconscious with images of girls who are prettier than me, who have better homes and fatter bank accounts. And pugs…
It makes me jealous. It makes me bitter.
I feel like with every tweet write , every picture I instagram and every Facebook post I publish, I am holding up a big sign saying JUDGE ME! LIKE ME! Oh dear God, please like this. Please like me.
This constant need for approval, tick, tick, tick, thumbs up. I like it. I approve. I feel like I’m constantly in the firing line. And for whom? Is this for me? Why am I doing this?
On top of that, everything is so freakin fast. Blink and you’ve missed it. Not only do I have to respond with knee bucklingly funny content but I also have to do it FAST!
I can no longer have a thought without worrying how it can be squeezed into 140 characters. I don’t understand twitter. It just seems to be a bunch of people desperately trying to sell me their content. It’s like everyone is just screaming look here! read this! buy this! like this! follow this! Whoever screams the loudest dictates the conversation.
I thought twitter was full of funny one-liners and breaking news. I didn’t realise it was just people trying to sell me their shit.
It’s too much. It’s too much. Leave me alone! I can never have a second of peace. Even when I’m out socialising with friends. There is always that uninvited lurker. The iphone. It’s like a baby. Constantly needing attention. Constantly making noises, beeping, burping, crying. Always screaming pick me up!!! look at me!! play with me!!!
Think about it, when did you last have a real life conversation with another human without at least one cell phone present? Leave the iphone baby at home fergodsake!
But then again, leaving your cell phone at home comes with its own set of problems, especially when it’s unintentional.
Have you ever forgotten your phone at home? How did you feel that day? Naked? Jittery? Uneasy? Did you contemplate going home during lunch to get it?
Did you change your Facebook status to:
I bet you were so eager to get home that day. You hadn’t even taken off your shoes. The front door was still open. And you ran to your phone.
My sweet, sweet darling. There you are. I promise I will never leave you all alone like that again.
You held it up like Simba in The Lion King. The Circle of Life playing in the background…
You pressed it against your bosom.
And checked your messages.
Now, how do you feel? Dejected? Sad? Forgotten? You look around your empty apartment. It looks pretty grim without a filter doesn’t it?