1. Pee in the shower/bath/pool.
As if I would schlepp all the way to the toilet when I can just pee in this beautiful porcelain womb. If it’s good enough for a fetus, then it’s good enough for me.
2. Steal towels from Hotels.
Ok, I know stealing is wrong and I swear I don’t usually do it but somehow when I’m forking out a small fortune for a hotel room I feel somewhat entitled to take a towel or two or four.
3. Fart on a long-haul flight.
I am pretty certain I’m not the only one guilty of this. Initially I’m always a bit reluctant. Then after five hours of my zipper digging into my swollen gut, I weigh up the pros and cons, and after much internal debate, I finally give in and gather up the courage (and gas) to quietly sneak out a little toot. I did this once just as the stewardess leaned down to ask whether I wanted chicken or beef.
4. Engage in some very secret hair removal.
Unless you’re a baby mouse (in which case, how are you reading this blog?), you’re gonna have some hair in places where it don’t belong. We all like to pretend we are perfect hairless showgirls but the sad reality is that we all remove hair from some very dark places. Any hair that ain’t paying rent has to go!
5. Google yourself.
Sometimes when I’ve been on the internet for like 10 hours straight I think to myself “I have now seen ALL the internet” and I get really bored and wonder what else there is to do. It is usually at this point that I google myself. Turns out there are A LOT of North Korean men named Sina.
6. Look at our poop.
Ok, this one really separates the men from the boys. We all perform the obligatory post-poop inspection yet we would never admit to this. Until now.
7. Forget how to walk up the stairs.
Well this is strange, I seem to have forgotten how to do this thing I learned as a toddler. It’s like my brain only has so much space and when it’s full, it throws out information it thinks I don’t need anymore, like the ability to walk up stairs.
Brain: “Oh well, she hasn’t had to do this in a long time, best we remove it and make room for the lyrics to Ice Ice Baby”