Wherever I go. I’m still gonna be me.

What is Depression? What does it feel like? What is it? Is it anything? They say it’s a condition and even an illness. For the first time, I feel like I can’t actually live like this. If I’m not better in a week then what? That’s what I’m trying to ascertain. There is no alternative. There is no reason to feel this way, yet I still do. No matter how guilty I feel or bitter or jealous that others can do life so much better than me. There is no reason for this. There has been no trauma. Except maybe an existential crises. A geographical question of what next? What now? Now that it has all come to this crescendo? Everything over the last few years has come down to this.

And I can’t escape it. Wherever I go I am still me. You can’t go on holiday from yourself. That was probably the hardest realization. That no matter what I do, no matter what I eat, what I watch or what I consume, nothing is going to take away that void. Because we’ve been conditioned from a young age to pursue happiness through consumption (whether material objects, friends, jobs, etc.) and suddenly that just doesn’t work anymore. If I won the lottery, I would still feel like this. Or if I fell into a basket of puppies. I will still be me. And this me is not well.

birthday1

Me on my Birthday (which happens to be today 14 Jan)

oscar1Wow I just won an Oscar! Same empty feeling.

kittens1Doused in kittens. Sad feeling remains.

cake1

 Cake. Glorious cake. Surely you can make me happy? Nope.

holidayI know! I’ll go on a nice holiday. Oh no, still sad.

lottery1Winning the lottery. The sadness remains.

 

Depression, has dubbed out the light in me. It gives me no reason to get up. It gives me no reason to eat, to breathe, to live. It lets me walk across a busy road slowly, hoping a car will hit me and do what I do not have the courage to. Depression lets you sit and stare for hours on end. It lets you not think, or think too much. It squeezes your lungs. It fills your heart with stones. It lets you never be alone with yourself. It makes you think ‘I will be the same person, feeling this way, wherever I go in the world’ There is no escaping it. I want to leave, to go on holiday, to be free, but the sad truth is that I will still be me and my Depression will be with me. But damn if these tablets don’t start working soon. What will my alternative be? Can you live like this? Death seems so final. Is there no in between stage? A long sleep? I would like a break. But that said, today is my birthday. And today is a good day.

So, dear Depression, you’re gonna have to do a lot better than this.  Because I’m not going down without a fight. You better get me with the first fu*king bullet because I’m gonna beat you. You have been warned. Nobody puts this baby in the corner!

camp

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20 thoughts on “Wherever I go. I’m still gonna be me.

  1. I love this entry. I relate so well…. You have a great way of describing the feelings, fears and thoughts around depression and its put so simply! And it’s absolutely hilarious. Please keep posting, I love them. I really like your illustrations in this one lol! Nice. Happy birthday

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  2. I do like cake. I’m tempted to have some because it is your birthday.

    The Bupropion I’ve been taking for two weeks seems to be having a positive effect (and plenty of side effects — including possible memory lapses). I don’t feel the constant sadness (though I suspect it’s still there, waiting). I don’t feel happy, but I am open to the possibility. I guess I feel “level” if that makes sense.

    Stay strong!

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    1. Ohh memory lapses! I know this sounds bad but I would actually love to have some gaps in my memory round about now. But only the awful memories. I’d like to keep the happy & fluffy ones.

      For me, feeling ‘nothing’ was definitely so much better than feeling sad. It made me feel almost super human. Like I was invincible or something. But I guess the goal is to feel like you did before you got sick. If you can remember what that was like.

      Punch that sadness in the balls for me. It’s not welcome.
      xxx

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  3. Also, I feel resentful, which is a surprise. I resent the apparent fact that my personality (or my soul if you prefer) is no more than a chemical equation that can be adjusted. I’m also uncomfortable in this new state. It’s unfamiliar to me after a lifetime of sadness. I’m not sure how to proceed.

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    1. I totally get that! I actually felt like that last night. I’m actually scared to get better because I don’t know what that’s like anymore. It’s like I’ve got Stockholm syndrome. Depression kidnapped me and now I’ve kinda built up a relationship with it and I’m not sure how to live without it.

      But your soul is so much more complex than that. The chemicals are just a small part of it all. They’re not what defines you.

      You are not your antidepressants.

      xxxx

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  6. You really make it seem so easy with your presentation but
    I find this topic to be really something which I think I would never understand.

    It seems too complex and very broad for me. I am looking forward for your next
    post, I will try to get the hang of it!

    Like

  7. Just found your blog today. I am also a depressed writer. (Wait–maybe those two go hand in hand)… I have been thinking that maybe this void, this yearning for something more or something is a universal thing many humans feel–depressed or not. And depressed people overthink and seek to fix this and “normal” people accept how effed up life is. I am always struggling to find the answer to the void. Or that one magic thing my life is missing. But it never comes.

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