What is Depression? What does it feel like? What is it? Is it anything? They say it’s a condition and even an illness. For the first time, I feel like I can’t actually live like this. If I’m not better in a week then what? That’s what I’m trying to ascertain. There is no alternative. There is no reason to feel this way, yet I still do. No matter how guilty I feel or bitter or jealous that others can do life so much better than me. There is no reason for this. There has been no trauma. Except maybe an existential crises. A geographical question of what next? What now? Now that it has all come to this crescendo? Everything over the last few years has come down to this.
And I can’t escape it. Wherever I go I am still me. You can’t go on holiday from yourself. That was probably the hardest realization. That no matter what I do, no matter what I eat, what I watch or what I consume, nothing is going to take away that void. Because we’ve been conditioned from a young age to pursue happiness through consumption (whether material objects, friends, jobs, etc.) and suddenly that just doesn’t work anymore. If I won the lottery, I would still feel like this. Or if I fell into a basket of puppies. I will still be me. And this me is not well.
Me on my Birthday (which happens to be today 14 Jan)
Cake. Glorious cake. Surely you can make me happy? Nope.
Depression, has dubbed out the light in me. It gives me no reason to get up. It gives me no reason to eat, to breathe, to live. It lets me walk across a busy road slowly, hoping a car will hit me and do what I do not have the courage to. Depression lets you sit and stare for hours on end. It lets you not think, or think too much. It squeezes your lungs. It fills your heart with stones. It lets you never be alone with yourself. It makes you think ‘I will be the same person, feeling this way, wherever I go in the world’ There is no escaping it. I want to leave, to go on holiday, to be free, but the sad truth is that I will still be me and my Depression will be with me. But damn if these tablets don’t start working soon. What will my alternative be? Can you live like this? Death seems so final. Is there no in between stage? A long sleep? I would like a break. But that said, today is my birthday. And today is a good day.
So, dear Depression, you’re gonna have to do a lot better than this. Because I’m not going down without a fight. You better get me with the first fu*king bullet because I’m gonna beat you. You have been warned. Nobody puts this baby in the corner!